Parkes Family

The good ole days hosting Christmas at my Mom's house. I know that most people associate holidays with stress, but I usually don't feel that way. Over time, I realized how fortunate I was that Christmastime happened to involve a few of my most favorite things coming together beautifully: card writing, gift buying, reminiscing nostalgic traditions while making new ones and being festive in a more often tacky than classy sort of fashion. Allison's 1st Christmas    While this holiday season will surely be different this year, I've been able to to rely on those integral parts of the holiday.  It helps to have Allison around to keep my spirits high. This past week provided unexpected sadness that I wasn't prepared for. I had to redo my address labels and realized that I wouldn't be making one for my Mom. It was hard for me to cross her name out. I also was looking at my gift app that shows my mom's name from last year. I won't be doing that either

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. Mom, So for a while I was relieved that you were not in pain anymore. None of the suffering. None of the heartache. But you're healed now, so can you come back? We need you. We are struggling without you. How can it feel like I need you to get through losing you ? For some reason, I think about calling you for advice on how to deal, how to help support the girls, how to take better care of myself through this process. I'll have to rely on my memory to carry me through the rest of my life, hoping that it doesn't fail me when I need you most. How do I recreate those hugs? Or that look on your face that made me feel like I was the best decision you'd ever made? Or times when you said the right thing at the right time in a way no one else could? Those images and sentiments are imprinted on the "refrigerator door" of my heart. I

Sunday marked another beautiful tribute to my Mama, but here in Michigan this time. The attendance, the food, the company and the love was over the top. I felt so fulfilled with my Michigan family in the house there to show their love. Like I've said before, even if you didn't meet my mom but you love me that means you love her too. The afternoon started with the frenzy of family bringing daisies, food, cards and best of all hugs. Like the real hugs, no ass out hugs to be seen. I found a birthday card I gave to my mom that I chose to read aloud because it encompassed so much of what I felt. I also thought I'd be able to keep my composure if it was something I hadn't written myself. Here is how the card was written: ~My Mother's Garden~ My mother kept a garden, a garden of the heart. She planted all the good things that gave my life its start. She turned me to the sunshine and encouraged me to dream, Fostering and nurturing the seeds of self-esteem.

Today would have been my mom's 59th birthday. If know our family, you know that birthdays are a big deal. You would get a quite a few cards with tons of mushy gushy details and a thoughtful gift of sorts. You'd get to pick the restaurant for the celebration (even if it was on a weekday). As we got older, there was of course toasting choice beverages to the birthday girl. Once we were all spread out over the country, we would actually fly in to make a birthday weekend of it all... and sometimes even a birthday season. Basically, if it was your birthday you just felt like you were worth celebrating.  I am going to celebrate my mom today by doing things she loved, all the things that made her who she was. I am going to enjoy the fall colors. For someone from southern California, she sure had a country heart. She loved the fall season from the color changes to pumpkin patch visits on the farm to football. I am going to love on my family extra hard without holding back.

Today would have been my mom's 59th birthday. If know our family, you know that birthdays are a big deal. You would get a quite a few cards with tons of mushy gushy details and a thoughtful gift of sorts. You'd get to pick the restaurant for the celebration (even if it was on a weekday). As we got older, there was of course toasting choice beverages to the birthday girl. Once we were all spread out over the country, we would actually fly in to make a birthday weekend of it all... and sometimes even a birthday season. Basically, if it was your birthday you just felt like you were the worth celebrating.  I am going to celebrate my mom today by doing things she loved, all the things that made her who she was. I am going to enjoy the fall colors. For someone from southern California, she sure had a country heart. She loved the fall season from the color changes to pumpkin patch visits on the farm to football. I am going to love on my family extra hard without holding ba

One of my mom's best friends read this at her memorial and I was filled with such fulfillment that someone else thought this of my mom too. If I were to guess, the two of us are not alone. I only wish my mom knew this quote as something that reminded people of her. It seems to be the case these days that things that make me happy about her also make me sad. This is a new feeling to some extent. Now, I'm filled with ambivalence as I grieve. Last night before bed, Allison said, "I miss CaliGram." I said, "me too. Sometimes when I miss her it makes me sad and other times it makes me happy." She said, "the holidays just won't be the same without her. Like Halloween. I'm not going to get an awesome package with stickers and books from CaliGram." She has not overheard me saying those things. Those sentiments ring with such truth. If felt joy that she felt like that but also the deep sting of loss and finality. I couldn't agree with

The few days before my mom passed, she asked me if there was anything I needed to tell her or share with her as her time was nearing an end. It didn't take me long to say, "No, Mom. I know that you know just how much I love you." We were fortunate to have been in an open, loving relationship where we have always been honest. When I say fortunate I mean I'm happy that we have always been deliberate in expressing our feelings, especially the warm fuzzy ones. I feel gracious to not have to be reconciling or apologizing for long lost grudges or arguments during those last days. That wasn't our style. We wrote cards to each other that took up the entire blank side with an outpouring of our deepest emotions not just on holidays but year-round. I didn't anticipate what a relief that would be in this moment. No regrets. No sadness about our past, just love. Deep, raw, mother-daughter "me and you against the world" kind of bond that will not end now but co

My mom loved to celebrate. She celebrated life full of sports, music, our military, and especially her kids. She would always say "Children should be celebrated." The funny thing about quoting her is that she would always she was someone of few words. Her words made an impact and so did her actions. As we reminisced old stories and looking through even older photographs, she is clearly celebrating in them all! I'd love to share some stories and things that I hold fast to during this difficult time. I'm not going to say I lost my mom, because I didn't. I know where she is and I know she is celebrating up there with some long lost loved ones who she's been missing dearly. The day she passed we were recounting the stories of when she was little girl. Having four older brothers played a big role in these stories as you could imagine. One of my favorites was when her brothers told her that she could be Queen for the day if she sat on the throne-shaped ca

Who knew blogging would actually feel as cathartic to me as journal writing? I have been writing in a journal since I was in third grade. I have over 25 journals. I'm not sure why I keep them. Maybe it's because I value the amount of psychological relief it gave me at the time (not so much at eight when it was about cute boys or mean girls). After I published last week, I felt fulfilled in doing something about how I feel. I am fairly helpless in my mom's declining condition and at least I can let her know what I'm feeling through this blog, others can get a sense for what I'm going through and it provides me with contentment. Win. Win. That being said, I must have been on a roll and did not edit my post before publishing. Still getting into the swing of things. I've always been a worrier. I do better with more information not less to wonder about. Throughout the past two years I've been asked if I work in the medical field and that I can sound quite clin

Have you ever experienced something that gives you an whole new way to look at life? Over the past two years since my mom's diagnosis, I have approached motherhood in a new way. Every time I am in a situation where I feel the ultimate sacrifices a parent makes, I think of my mom. Even though I can't possibly remember each time she sacrificed her own needs/wants for me, I know she did it because I do it for my daughter. Daily. When I hug Allison when I want to be upset with her, I think, my mom did that for me. It makes me wish I had an eerily sharp memory where I could go back and know what she did to make me feel so loved. I know the answer is to that question is everything. In the beginning of motherhood, I would say things like "if I was half the mom she is I'd be happy." Well, at this point I'm certain I'm at least half the mom she is because half the things I do and/or say come directly from my mom! I'm pretty sure I could make a buck on