I am going to celebrate my mom today by doing things she loved, all the things that made her who she was. I am going to enjoy the fall colors. For someone from southern California, she sure had a country heart. She loved the fall season from the color changes to pumpkin patch visits on the farm to football. I am going to love on my family extra hard without holding back. I'm going to raise a glass (non-alcoholic this year for me) and make a toast to my Mom who laughed her neck in a knot when she watched Home Alone. Her favorite scene is when there is a tarantula on Marv's chest and Harry has the crow bar telling him to hold still. She actually reenacted it just a week before she passed and told me to go upstairs that she had it all set up for me to watch. I am going to enjoy awesome macaroni and cheese, guilt-free, because it hits the spot and nothing says comfort food like mac'n'cheese.
In the midst of trying to be nostalgic and full of hope in writing in this, tears of pure sadness are falling down my face. A deep sadness that comes from somewhere dark. A spot that has probably always been there but feels like uncharted territory because I haven't experienced much devastation. While writing typically makes me feel better, I cannot help but think all these sentiments should have been written in a card that was sent directly to her, not in this fashion. Luckily, I sent an email that showed my gratitude and undying devotion to her just 23 days before she died, that she replied "thank you for one your best letters to me yet."
Cancer is a nasty beast and it's running rampant without a care in the world. The cancer doesn't know you've lived your whole life caring for others, taking on their emotions, and looking for ways to be thoughtful and kind. The cancer doesn't know that you're the reason us girls are the whole package. We weren't just born with all of that, you cultivated your little daughter garden with some crazy Mom fertilizer for exponential growth in areas like respect, assertiveness training, perseverance, kindness, and confidence. We stand tall among women because we always had you not just cheering us on but encouraging us to be the best version of ourselves. I hope those notions give you peace. To be honest, you've achieved those things in record time so maybe you can consider your life to have been longer than you originally thought. You've lived long after you set us out into the world as women who inspire, educate and change the world around them for the better. I am not you, but so much like you. I will continue to be that way for my sisters and for my children.
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