The few days before my mom passed, she asked me if there was anything I needed to tell her or share with her as her time was nearing an end. It didn't take me long to say, "No, Mom. I know that you know just how much I love you." We were fortunate to have been in an open, loving relationship where we have always been honest. When I say fortunate I mean I'm happy that we have always been deliberate in expressing our feelings, especially the warm fuzzy ones. I feel gracious to not have to be reconciling or apologizing for long lost grudges or arguments during those last days. That wasn't our style. We wrote cards to each other that took up the entire blank side with an outpouring of our deepest emotions not just on holidays but year-round. I didn't anticipate what a relief that would be in this moment. No regrets. No sadness about our past, just love. Deep, raw, mother-daughter "me and you against the world" kind of bond that will not end now but continue on in different ways.
I will keep that bond alive by embracing the sisterhood that she so strongly fostered between me and my sisters. We are all a little bit of her and I will hold tight to their mom-like qualities. I am going to follow one of her last pieces of advice. She said, "no matter your differences you can still create strong bonds with others. You can look past them and find true friendships like I have." Relationships are a labor of love and require purposeful attention and an abundance of compassion. By the outpouring of condolences from all paths she crossed, we know how well she lived this truth.
The moments of advice amidst her delirium offered some silver lining for what I would endure being a caretaker in the days ahead. I will say I that I feel like my little sisters are bigger to me than they ever have been. We supported each doing things we didn't know we could do. We learned to give injections, administer medications, and provide medical and emotional support in ways we had never done before. I know that Mom wanted us to be there with her at the end, but I'm fairly certain she had no idea what it would be like. We are forever changed because of those experiences. I hope we are forever closer because that is the most positive thing I can think of for us to leave with after experiencing such heartbreak.
I don't regret being one of her caregivers. I don't regret the time and energy spent making sure she was comfortable. I know that it will even feel good, in time, that I was there through the suffering and pain. Right now, looking back that person I was taking care of was someone other than my mom. I have to separate the things I witnessed from the person who brought me into this world. She was not the mother I knew who exuded light, beauty and such warmth at the time. Someone whose touch made it all better and whose words were the all I needed to get through. Instead, I was that person who embodied those things to her. It was my words that comforted her and my touch that made her feel like it was ok to let go...
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