Parkes Family

I ended up rearranging her shelf that day. I dusted, added items like the fresh daisy and put her ashes in her owl, also set up the viewfinder full of wonderful pictures a friend sent me last year...  Apparently September through the holidays is just going to be tough... for a while. Starting with the anniversary of my mom passing on September 26th. Less than a month after that will be her birthday. One more month makes Thanksgiving and another month makes Christmas.... and those are only the 'allotted or expected hard times' for a grieving person. I looked at pictures and videos this year the night before the 2 year anniversary. I was trying to find ones I hadn't seen to add to this blog. There are no new pictures and there won't ever be... I also rummaged through my closet to choose from the many purses she gave me to carry for this tough season ahead but even those are getting old... and I won't be getting anymore from her. I guess I thought it would be easie

Dear Mom,  How did you do it!? This mom thing is so hard right now. I don't know if it's the ages of the kids not meshing well... I already checked and the full moon isn't coming for another couple of weeks (I remember my kindergarteners' behavior being a sort of barometric gauge for changes in atmosphere). In one given day not everyone is happy at the same time and if they are the moment is fleeting. Allison is clearly embarking on the hormonal elevator and John boy is well...a toddler and they act quite similar more times than not. My WTF lines between my brows are deepening and so is my taste for new adult beverages and heavy lifting. It feels like survival somedays and other moments I feel like I am killing it. Here's some perspective: Take baby to daycare, grocery shop in the madhouse pre-4th of July crowd, take Allison to the YMCA for mommy and me time, take Allison to dance, pick up baby, pick up Allison, feed everyone, and decide what I'll be drinkin

Motherhood is not glamorous. It can be thankless, exhausting, and trying work. It can also be rewarding, fun, and beautiful. Come to think of it, it can be all of those things in one given moment. Nothing can prepare you for it. The best preparation, for me like many women, is remembering how my mom did it. I've been wanting to write a post as a tribute to all the moms out there crushing it or being crushed by this totalizing, full-time job called motherhood around Mother's Day. It will likely be a collection of my stories, memories of my mom, my friends' experiences and a variety of books I've read some of them being:  Perfect Madness Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety and The Mask of Motherhood How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It.  DISCLAIMER: This post is neither judgmental or preachy. It's an attempt to create solidarity with those out there tackling the hardest, most important jobs of their lives.  Often times I feel a se

April 2019~ I have been trying to finish this post for a couple months... I think I can now after finding this printed email from my mom I haven't seen since she sent it  (dated May 18, 2007)  This was written to me after learning I would move to Michigan to be with the love of my life... I am sitting here crying at my computer after reading this story (a forwarded Mother's Day email) because I can imagine what the mother was thinking. We talked recently about my feelings even after all these years of motherhood its so true for all parents. You never know if you're doing the right thing. You just have to trust your instinct and hope it turns out well. All the things she describes will happen to you when you become a mother. And your love for your kids will be so big you'll think you're going to burst. And if and when you get sick you will pray to God to let you live long enough to raise your children and see them happy. She so perfectly put into words what I

"I love you" were three words I heard often growing up, into my adulthood. Every night closed with them and an affectionate squeeze and kiss on the cheek. Every phone call ended with those three words. All cards from my mom were signed that way with the signature mark 'xx' or 'kiss kiss.' My mom would often draw a silly happy face with a circle for a nose and sometimes rainbows for eyes... you know like the beaming emoji that has closed eyes and rosy cheeks? That one always makes me think of my mom. So much does. Today is Valentine's Day. A day to express love. This comes easy to me. I was shown love and affection in so many ways in my family. We snuggled on the couch watching movies, we embraced often and were open about the mushy gushy stuff. That's why when mom asked me toward the end of her life if there was anything I wanted to say that I hadn't or needed to, I took a short pause and replied, "No. I know I've told you how much you

Amidst all the junk I've been decluttering, I found a gem! I found a torn out three hole punched lined paper with some good feels I wanted to share with you, Mom. I don't know if you ever saw this but I hope you felt in my actions, my words and in the way I looked at you. Where I Am From I come from a family that cares where humor is abundant and trying your best is expected Where I'm known as Kiki, Dots, The Best of the Best, Angel and Special K I come from a home that permeates warmth and success where inner beauty is valued and strength is important * I come from a line of fighters where survivors like my mother are cherished and celebrated where feelings are expressed with ease I come from times when I took care of Brianna and Cassie like they were my now where I felt tears of joy and sisterly love beyond words I come from a family where I am the eldest and I paved the path for which my sisters may follow where I tried to be a role model and also

This is where I'm at in life. In my grief. In this stage of motherhood. Grace. Looking for it in the world and especially looking for how I can lead a life full of grace given my circumstances. I am not the only person whose lost a mother too soon. Within two years I have befriended four women who just went through the same thing just in my town alone. I don't even want to do the math of how many others out there right now are hurting from the same loss. I am not alone. I am also not the only woman trying redefine herself as a mother. As a person. Trying to figure out what matters to me and how I am going to use my experiences of loss to make me and my family better. Silver lining. I was a pro at this before my mom died. I am getting back to it. I think it's what people like best about me. My ability to add levity to any situation. It's what I like best about myself. I'm feeling more like me lately. I'm in a good place and I'm not feeling guilty that I am