This is where I'm at in life. In my grief. In this stage of motherhood. Grace. Looking for it in the world and especially looking for how I can lead a life full of grace given my circumstances. I am not the only person whose lost a mother too soon. Within two years I have befriended four women who just went through the same thing just in my town alone. I don't even want to do the math of how many others out there right now are hurting from the same loss. I am not alone.
I am also not the only woman trying redefine herself as a mother. As a person. Trying to figure out what matters to me and how I am going to use my experiences of loss to make me and my family better. Silver lining. I was a pro at this before my mom died. I am getting back to it. I think it's what people like best about me. My ability to add levity to any situation. It's what I like best about myself. I'm feeling more like me lately. I'm in a good place and I'm not feeling guilty that I am not actively mourning. I'm also not going to question it or take it for granted or assume I am done grieving. I'm giving myself some grace. Some safe space to navigate life right now.
I've had the opportunity in my career to have more flexibility. I am able to spend more time with my kids while still teaching. For now, this is perfect for me. This is a blessing. Last time around I struggled staying at home with Allison after being laid off from my teaching job. This is different. I am embracing the quality time. I am also honest with myself that I need to work to keep my passion for learning and teaching alive. That makes me a better mom, wife, person in general. Balance. It sounds so easy but I really do feel it when something is out of whack with my health, spirituality, intellectual side, etc.Earlier this week, my google photo app said "hey you want to see some stuff from 9 years ago on this day? "like Facebook does. Well it showed me pictures and videos I thought were lost from my old computer. A minute long video of my mom with newborn Allison brought me tears. Happy tears. But also sad tears. I imagined that same video of her with John boy. I cherished the moment and carried on. Not feeling guilty it didn't wreck my night. Not questioning my strength. I just took it for what it was. In those few moments a warm sensation filled my body. Something I had never felt. I do believe it was me having the courage to grow in the broken places...
There have been so many precious moments lately with Allison. I'm sure you all thought I would say John Boy. She is really maturing and blossoming as a big sister. It's reminding me so much of who I became when my sisters were born. It's an amazing journey not many people talk about when an only child becomes an older sibling. Especially when it's been many years! To me, it worked out like it should. I was very happy with my childhood. Being an only child for nine years and then having the experiences of siblings and being a big sister. It's made me who I am today. Family oriented and independent at the same time. She blows me away with her thoughtfulness. She often gets John and I crying with laughter with her wit. It makes all the other not so fun parenting moments all worth it when there are more good days than bad. It's what keeps me sane. It's what encourages me with John Boy that I am doing most things right. Or at least the important things. Everything else? Ain't nobody got time to stress over that! I'm pretty proud of my brand of momming. I am going to start using Allison's term 'shmommimg' meaning running errands/shopping all while looking good while doing it!
I got this, Mom. I got this. Look at my sweet little family! Eek! They are my everything. Allison told me the other day,
"you just look like a mom. Like you were meant to be a mom." I swear I said that to you many times. Wrote in various cards and felt it deep in my soul for years. Thanks for passing it on.
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