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One Year as a Mom of 2

April 2019~
I have been trying to finish this post for a couple months... I think I can now after finding this printed email from my mom I haven't seen since she sent it (dated May 18, 2007)  This was written to me after learning I would move to Michigan to be with the love of my life...
I am sitting here crying at my computer after reading this story (a forwarded Mother's Day email) because I can imagine what the mother was thinking. We talked recently about my feelings even after all these years of motherhood its so true for all parents. You never know if you're doing the right thing. You just have to trust your instinct and hope it turns out well. All the things she describes will happen to you when you become a mother. And your love for your kids will be so big you'll think you're going to burst. And if and when you get sick you will pray to God to let you live long enough to raise your children and see them happy. She so perfectly put into words what I have always felt and know but could never articulate.  I am going to miss you so, so much but am so happy that you are following your dream and pursuing what you want with the man you love and want to make babies with. John is a good man. He has a lot of great qualities I find these days thoughtful, kind, loving, respectful, honest and real. I love you babycakes, mom 

So now I am the one crying at my computer reading this.  I am going to pretend she wrote the first part about motherhood to me just yesterday...when I needed to hear those things. I wonder if she knew her words and wisdom would reach me this way even beyond her life on this earth. To me, this a testament of why I need to continue to blog, keep writing cards, and giving notes to people I love. Her words bring me to my core like nothing else can. I feel so connected to her by reading them. A different connection than looking at pictures or finding something of hers... Luckily for me, I kept so many cards, letters and little post-it notes to reread from her. We wrote to each other so often for holidays and just because moments and with such authentic emotion that I have no doubt that she knew just how much she meant to me. I have no regrets I didn't hide my love for her. Allison and I are on pace for having this same relationship through writing. 
My sisters and I made her this book for Mother's Day


March  2019~
So now I've been a mom of two for over a year. It's been no easy feat. Many people were worried about me being pregnant and losing my mom at the same time. I wanted to freely express my grief without worrying anyone about my health or the baby's well-being. I wanted to have the strength needed to physically lift her from her bed and guide her down the hall. At the time, I wanted the freedom, dare I say luxury, to grieve. I was well protected by family and friends and well insulated with good hormones from the pregnancy and nursing... until now. After a year of motherhood, I'm not as sleep-deprived nor actively producing nourishment for my baby. Now, I have some perspective some time for reflection. Before, I didn't have any 'free time' in the day, or the energy in my body or the room in my mind to reflect on the saddest experience of my life. 


Holding my mom's Woody doll
How did I celebrate the first year of my son's life without my mom, his CaliGram? The anniversaries, birthdays and holidays have been tough but I wasn't expecting the celebration of John boy's birthday to feel like those. I couldn't help but think about how pumped up she would have been getting ready for his Little Lumberjack party. She always wore clothes to match the theme of Allison's parties like such a trooper. She would have been here in Michigan with too many gifts, so many "kiss kiss" moments and just an abounding need to celebrate this little human I created. 

I often hold him up to the shelf dedicated to her with yellow glowing lights and pictures of better days. I repeat "CaliGram" over and over.  But he will never know her. I don't understand that. I know Allison will be able to tell him all about her. But I want more than that. Here comes my 'life is unfair' toddler tantrum moment. I wanted to see her eyes light up at the hospital upon meeting him for the first time. I longed for watching her tickle him and rock him and love on him. I wanted that so badly but none of that will happen now. Their only connection that I hold tight to is this: The week before she died, I brought a mini heartbeat ultrasound machine with me being 4 months pregnant. I put headphones in her ears and she fell asleep in the hospital bed propped in the living room to the sound of his little pitter patters... 

I absolutely love that Allison recently added that label on my mom's shelf along with a rosary


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