The afternoon started with the frenzy of family bringing daisies, food, cards and best of all hugs. Like the real hugs, no ass out hugs to be seen. I found a birthday card I gave to my mom that I chose to read aloud because it encompassed so much of what I felt. I also thought I'd be able to keep my composure if it was something I hadn't written myself. Here is how the card was written:
~My Mother's Garden~
My mother kept a garden,
a garden of the heart.
She planted all the good things
that gave my life its start.
She turned me to the sunshine
and encouraged me to dream,
Fostering and nurturing the seeds of self-esteem.
And when the winds and rains came,
she protected me enough-
But not too much- she knew I'd need
to stand up strong and tough.
Her constant good example
always taught me right from wrong-
Marker for my pathway
that will last lifetime long.
I am my mother's garden
I am her legacy-
And I hope today she the love reflected back from me.
We played an online quiz game that Allison and I made. You can play here too by using this link:
https://play.kahoot.it/#/k/dbe676d7-6c4d-46ea-901a-5a172f5f531b
After a while, many of us wrote notes to Mom or someone who had passed. We put them into helium balloons and sent them up to the heavens at the same time. If you look closely at the video, you can see there is an opening in the clouds where the sun is peeking out. I felt so blessed that others wanted to send up balloons too. I know that I am not alone in my hurt of losing someone so close. There is a bonding element there where I now know the strife, the grief, the immense emptiness felt when a person who made you who you are is no longer here on this Earth.
My fear now is that all the big celebrations planned for my mom are done, time is passing and the world is still turning. I am still getting hugs, cards and support but I know over time that will dwindle. What will not fade for some time is the crushing vulnerability of something being taken from me. It's a very childish feeling. I still feel like it's not fair. Why her? Why my family? I need my mom and she's not here. My heart feels fragile in knowing this type tragedy happens all over without reason. Allison shared, "I am scared, not like at nighttime but during the day. I worry something bad is going to happen." I broke in new place upon hearing this. I know that feeling. I don't want her to know that feeling. I want her to feel protected but she now knows that life is delicate and feels the anxieties of losing those precious to her. I hate that. I know it's a fact of life, but I was hoping she could dodge that for a while longer.
If I could be with my little family on the couch cuddled up under a blanket all day I would feel safer than I do walking through life these days trying to find normalcy. The worry is consuming and it's not always easily remedied with busy day-to-day life tasks. Sometimes busying myself is helpful, other times I know and more importantly need to embrace my grief. Often I feel, there is no time for that being a working mom and wife.
My mom always said, "Your feelings aren't right or wrong they just are. You have to go through them, not around them." I'm trying, Mom. I really am...
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