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| Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. |
So for a while I was relieved that you were not in pain anymore. None of the suffering. None of the heartache. But you're healed now, so can you come back? We need you. We are struggling without you. How can it feel like I need you to get through losing you? For some reason, I think about calling you for advice on how to deal, how to help support the girls, how to take better care of myself through this process. I'll have to rely on my memory to carry me through the rest of my life, hoping that it doesn't fail me when I need you most. How do I recreate those hugs? Or that look on your face that made me feel like I was the best decision you'd ever made? Or times when you said the right thing at the right time in a way no one else could? Those images and sentiments are imprinted on the "refrigerator door" of my heart. I heard a speaker at a conference about attachment say if a person (child) has strong mental images of someone they felt securely attached to, it can carry them through tough times.
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| Here is what the fridge door of my heart might look like. |
There is no replacement for you, Mom. I know I am deeply loved by others but no one can replace your mom. You built me up not just as a child but up until now as your full-time job. Just knowing someone out there was unconditionally cheering me on through all of life's endeavors was so empowering and served as springboard. I will hold tight to that deep down but am going to miss your special ways of renewing those affirmations.
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| ~In Loving Memory of Our Angel Mom~ |
I am trying to embrace the holiday spirit. That is something you adored about me. When you found out John was a Christmas fanatic like I was you told me that he was the one for me. How right you were! I still will never forget one of the last things you said about him. You were recalling first meeting him and referring to him as a hillbilly but that you didn't realize he was a "Hillbilly Deluxe!" I'm not sure you considered yourself funny on a daily basis, but I will miss your sense of humor. There was an element of mischief with a touch of sarcasm and a morbid twist to boot.
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| This shot fully captures our loving mother daughter bond. |
There are a few things that bring tears to my eyes for this upcoming holiday without you. I went to my gift app and saw your name and realized I won't be buying for you this year. I also realized that the sign of family birthdays I made for you will need to be fixed. Your charm will need to be painted like the other heavenly birthdays in our family. Allison said again, "the holidays just won't be the same without CaliGram." When I asked her to elaborate, she remembered a time where we were all playing Christmas Scattergories. She recalled how you and Diane would always cancel each other with your answers and how funny it was to hear you both just crack up. I love that she has memories like that. She never stops talking about you. It's either something that smells like you, reminds her of you, or holds tightly to things you've given or made for her. She was especially excited to put up the holiday ornament you made just for her just last year.
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| Allison's ornament from CaliGram. |
Missing you and trying to get through with words of wisdom you sprinkled along my path. Right now, I think you'd tell me to go through my feelings, not around them. I'm braving the storm one day at a time. Some days are better than others, but most days are fueled by how you raised me, things you said, did and most of all the way you made me feel. Here's to honoring you with festive holiday spirit and nostalgia!
Love,
Your Babycakes
xx
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