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Holidays Without Mom

The good ole days hosting Christmas at my Mom's house.
I know that most people associate holidays with stress, but I usually don't feel that way. Over time, I realized how fortunate I was that Christmastime happened to involve a few of my most favorite things coming together beautifully: card writing, gift buying, reminiscing nostalgic traditions while making new ones and being festive in a more often tacky than classy sort of fashion.

Allison's 1st Christmas 
 While this holiday season will surely be different this year, I've been able to to rely on those integral parts of the holiday.  It helps to have Allison around to keep my spirits high. This past week provided unexpected sadness that I wasn't prepared for. I had to redo my address labels and realized that I wouldn't be making one for my Mom. It was hard for me to cross her name out. I also was looking at my gift app that shows my mom's name from last year. I won't be doing that either. Those are things I looked forward to: choosing something meaningful to give my mom and gushing in a card about how she's the best. I loved was the late night wrapping sessions we'd have. We'd both end up "slap happy" as she used to say from being so tired and literally laughing about everything.

Christmas Eve on the farm in MI!
Her spirit is alive and well in my home. She's everywhere. She's why I buy foam holiday craft kits and window clings. She's why I burnt the sugar cookies yesterday (I'm sure she laughed mischievously about that one). She's why I need colored lights on my Christmas tree, the ones with the pink bulbs! She's the why behind keeping Christmas meals fun and not stressful. She's the part of me that enjoys giving more than receiving and relishing in choosing the perfect gift! I've been embracing these rituals with my own little family since I've lived here in Michigan which makes it easier to keep her legacy going.

Mom's snowman collection.
The unfortunate part about all of this nostalgia and reminiscing is that my mom hasn't been herself for quite a few years now. So I'm not grieving how this Christmas isn't like last year because she was sick. She was emotional and she was struggling to live up to her normal self. What I miss is her back in the day and those memories become harder and harder to recall. After my last trip to CA, I was able to bring home some of my favorite holiday decor that makes this year very special to me. Now, my home has sentimental additions that make me miss her deeply.

More fun on the farm Christmas Eve.
I've had to adjust to the fact Christmas will be different this year. No mom. No sisters here to visit. A hard to avoid emptiness. One thing is the same, however, is that I am constantly reminded of the love and gratitude I have for the people who took care of me this year. The roughest year to date. Family and friends who did what they could locally or from afar. I have to focus on what I have this year, not what I don't have. I still have my Mom because I am parts of her with a Kristin Twist. More like a quirk as she would say that she adored. These parts of me are what my closest friends and family love about me too so she is here, in a different way this year. But she is here.

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