Parkes Family

Grief is not what you think it might be. If you haven't expereinced true loss, you may have watched a movie or read a book where a character grieves the way you anticipate you will too. For the sake of time, movies and books often speed through and miss those everyday moments of mourning. The story line may not include the non-Hallmark moments that bring you to your knees. I hope that this resonates with someone and that you can stop feeling guilty that you don't or didn't handle the loss of someone the way mainstream media says you should. For me, grief is not: best done with others, crying all day, resenting other people for still having the relatives that I have lost, avoiding pictures, videos, messages and cards from that person, drinking myself into oblivion, sleeping the day away, waiting for someone else to do the dirty work, angry outbursts or being in complete and total disarray. **DISCLAIMER: There is no wrong way to mourn a loss. I share this to merely con...

Wednesday 1/19 He's gone. My dad is gone. I cannot believe it still. I kept clutching my heart between sobs after finding out yesterday. I contined to do so all day, behind a mask at the airport, trying to get to him. I was too late. Thank God, my stepmom was there with him. I'm glad I did not learn of his passing alone in an airport. Instead I fell to my knees, with my hand over my heart and folded myself up into the fetal position with John's arms wrapped around me. In all my experiences of loss my cousin Jeff, my mom and now this I have always reverted to this position upon tragic news. It's such an instrinsic response. Not allowing your body to be vulnerable and exposed but protected by your own limbs and sometimes those of others. My dad's throat cancer had come back even after the laryngectomy and chemo/rad treatments in November. The absess in his neck led to him losing too much blood. From what I know, he was not in pain. He actually stood up with indign...

I have not seen my mom in 1,460 days. I saw her a lot the last two years of her life. We all worked togetht to be there for every procedure, appointment and treatment. I never thought I would miss those days, but I do. At least I felt like I was actively trying to help. Now, I actively try to keep her legacy alive by sharing stories about her, playing my self talk tape to mimic her supportive words, and being myself unapologetically. Somedays I feel like I'm slaying it. Those are the days that I am either momming like a boss. I know she's proud of those moments. But I also know she's proud of the times where I just bomb at life and own it. She was never 'perfect.' She was a perfect mom for me because God made her my mother for a reason, but not like no mistakes, girl wash your face, fake it til you make it. That was never the message in our house. It's not my message now. Other days I feel like I've lost my way. Like I've asked aloud, "where ar...

Dear 40, I'm not mad at ya! I won't deny you and celebrate 29 again... I am four decades old. That's a boatload of days. 14,600 days old to be exact. Fun Fact: I have a LOT to show for forty years old! I'm not about to list material things because what shows my age are relationships and accomplishments. Those take time. I always loved the song Time is Love by Josh Turner because I feel most loved when people spend their own valuable time being with me, giving me support, guiding me, letting me grow, holding space for me. Your time has been the ultimate gift for this birthday girl and I'm especially appreciative. Today and always. Birthdays are great days of reflection and here goes... I am proud of where I'm from. SoCal Represent! Holla! K Funk in the house! And I'm damn proud of where I am today Cali Girl Gone Country? As much 'country' as I'll ever be! If you've decided to read this, you have probably been part of this journey and for...

Tough love used to mean something entirely different to me before having a son. 'Tough love' could be used to explain the rough and tumble loving ways of toddler boy! There's no better way to describe it. I never said the following things to Allison when she was young: Don't kiss me so hard, you're going to hurt me! Try not to squeeze me so tight. I don't like it when your snuggling turns into headbutting. The way he shows love is so hard, so intense. I know that he wants to really show me what he's got when he says he wants to play on the floor. It starts beautifully. Snuggling, kisses, holidng my face with his chubby hands... and then it starts to change. Some under his breath growling, mixed in with sweet nothings like "mama you're my best girl" or "you're so important to me." Soon, he's kissing my face but also bearing his teeth. Next, comes lowering his shoulder and leaning in with all his weight into my chest. S...

Dear Mom, I'm not even sure how to describe the year 2020, let alone this holiday season. It's been weird. Different. Yet refreshingly simple. I am spending time with close family and small groups of friends here and there. It's wholesome and it's deliberate without pressure to be at all events or gatherings. So there's that. I know that other people are struggling. Some find these times everything but simple. For that reason, the holidays are complicated. You brought us up to give, to be charitable, especially during Christmastime. Do you know who needs help right now? EVERYONE. Most people need help rebuilding their faith in humanity after the past election and pandemic policies that created tumultous relationships between friends and family. Some working people need financial help because of the strains on the economy from the shutdown. Oh what shutdown? I forgot you don't know anything about it. So, we are in a pandemic. A virus, new(ish) to the p...

 Tribute to Yellowstone Wolf Watchers  Welcome to Jellystone National Park  If you’ve never been in nature with a scope, you may not understand the draw. It’s so far away! How can you really see anything? Allow me to illustrate how truly connected you can feel from afar behind the lens of a Swarovski telescope. To watch an animal in its natural habitat, from afar, without obstructing the behaviors can be a breathtaking experience! If you’ve used the phrase ‘to be a fly on the wall’ you know what it feels to want to observe behavior that isn’t modified by your presence. Instead of a fly let’s be the rare pygmy owl and instead of a wall let's pick Montana’s big sky over Yellowstone rather than an interior wall. That’s what it’s like to view wildlife through a scope hundreds of yards away. The combination of the other four senses makes the viewing come to life in a way that is quite humbling. It is truly a privilege to be amongst such grandeur in God’s country, witnessing un...

Tribute to Yellowstone Wolf Watchers  Welcome to Jellystone National Park If you’ve never been in nature with a scope, you may not understand the draw. It’s so far away! How can you really see anything? Allow me to illustrate how truly connected you can feel from a distance behind the lens of a Swarovski telescope. To watch an animal in its natural habitat, from afar, without obstructing the behaviors, can be a breathtaking experience! If you’ve used the phrase ‘to be a fly on the wall’ you know what it feels to want to observe behavior that isn’t modified by your presence. Instead of a fly let’s be the rare pygmy owl and instead of an interior wall let's pick Montana’s big sky over Yellowstone! That’s what it’s like to view wildlife through a scope hundreds of yards away. The combination of the other four senses makes the viewing come to life in a way that is quite humbling.  It is truly a privilege to be amongst such grandeur in God’s country, witnessing uninterrupted musing...

  I did it. I did something big. I haven't done something that scares me in awhile. Something really big. By choice anyhow.  Monumental things have happened to me but this one was of my own doing. I took a leap, not of faith, but of boldness and bravery. I have talked about pursuing my doctorate for over five years. I milled it over with my mom, confided in my husband and shared my aspirations with those close to me. Encouraging words and sentiments of support flowed from everyone's mouths. I don't know what happened but I found a program, applied, took the GRE, passed, gained acceptance to University of Louisiana for the doctoral program in Instruction and Curriculum and almost now done with my first semester (8 week session).  The first person I wanted to call when I received my passing scores and that entrance to the program letter (it's still on my fridge) was my mom. The reason this is even feasible in my mind is because of her endless confidence in me. Like maybe ...

I married a mama's boy and am quite certain I am raising one myself. Unbeknownst to me, this little boy would grab a hold of my heartstrings in a different way than my daughter. I don't need to apologize or worry that my sentiments about my son overshadow her. I know this because she is smitten too. Beyond her wildest imagination and initial disappointment at the gender reveal.... she loves him more and more everyday! There's just something about little boys. His mischievous grin. Catching glimpses of features that resemble his handsome father. The squeeze hugs and rough and tumble play. Half the time I'm scared of the occasional bite or head butt that is inevitable but I keep coming back for more. My favorite part? It's the most active love I've ever felt! It's so hands-on, in your face, sometimes loud, but it's an all in. Smothery sometimes, running a tractor up your leg, shoving a raisin in your mouth kind of business. And guess what? I LOVE IT...