Skip to main content

Year 4 Without You

I have not seen my mom in 1,460 days. I saw her a lot the last two years of her life. We all worked togetht to be there for every procedure, appointment and treatment. I never thought I would miss those days, but I do. At least I felt like I was actively trying to help. Now, I actively try to keep her legacy alive by sharing stories about her, playing my self talk tape to mimic her supportive words, and being myself unapologetically. Somedays I feel like I'm slaying it. Those are the days that I am either momming like a boss. I know she's proud of those moments. But I also know she's proud of the times where I just bomb at life and own it. She was never 'perfect.' She was a perfect mom for me because God made her my mother for a reason, but not like no mistakes, girl wash your face, fake it til you make it. That was never the message in our house. It's not my message now. Other days I feel like I've lost my way. Like I've asked aloud, "where are you mom?" Sometimes I need some raw truth only a mother can give. Or the opposite. An ego boost from my mom was like none other! I miss both of those in moments that I need her wisdom. That mix of her experiences and unmatched knowledge of my needs always gave way to such perfect 'just for me' advice.
She would always tell me "don't go around your feelings, go through them. Even if they're uncomfortable. They will find their way out eventually so you cant keep pushing them away." I've been going through my feelings as best I can but I'm busy! Working in my passion and being a mom/wife leave me few moments of stillness and reflection. I didn't have many of those moments this week leading up to this day. I did however find it carthartic to share tidbits of mom fun facts on Facebook though. I also planted seeds of kindness and spread my sunshine more than usual in her honor.
Today I chose to let the day just go from shopping with Allison, decorating for one mom's favorite holidays (Halloween) and eating her favorite comfort foods like potato chips with onion dip and macaroni and cheese. I did cry but mostly because I didn't feel like I did the day justice. In retrospect, that's asanine. I do her legacy justice all the time. Just a few minutes ago, Allison came to say goodnight and told me 'you did a good job today, Mom" and gave me a real squeeze. You know what I love about that? When were were out and about together, Allison brought up things about my mom I wouldn't remembered. I love it when she doesn't this when she knows I'm missing her. She does not avoid it she knows how much it helps me. It usually ends in laughter. She also saw me cry. For her to think I did a 'good job' on this anniversary seeing both the good and the bad, makes me feel like the day went just as it should have. It was real life. This is real time grief. Unplanned tears, bouts of frustration, joyful reminiscing and everything in between. My mom was real. Really fun. Really sensitive. Really authentic. Really patriotic and real maternal. Really thoughtful and festive. Really herself, sometimes to a fault. I am drawn to real people because of her and I am convinced it's the reason I'm surrounded by such genuine people. She was a straight up gift to humanity and to everyone around her.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tribute to my Mom(This was my speech for her service)

My mom loved to celebrate. She celebrated life full of sports, music, our military, and especially her kids. She would always say "Children should be celebrated." The funny thing about quoting her is that she would always she was someone of few words. Her words made an impact and so did her actions. As we reminisced old stories and looking through even older photographs, she is clearly celebrating in them all! I'd love to share some stories and things that I hold fast to during this difficult time. I'm not going to say I lost my mom, because I didn't. I know where she is and I know she is celebrating up there with some long lost loved ones who she's been missing dearly. The day she passed we were recounting the stories of when she was little girl. Having four older brothers played a big role in these stories as you could imagine. One of my favorites was when her brothers told her that she could be Queen for the day if she sat on the throne-shaped ca
Post a Comment
Read more

No Regrets

The few days before my mom passed, she asked me if there was anything I needed to tell her or share with her as her time was nearing an end. It didn't take me long to say, "No, Mom. I know that you know just how much I love you." We were fortunate to have been in an open, loving relationship where we have always been honest. When I say fortunate I mean I'm happy that we have always been deliberate in expressing our feelings, especially the warm fuzzy ones. I feel gracious to not have to be reconciling or apologizing for long lost grudges or arguments during those last days. That wasn't our style. We wrote cards to each other that took up the entire blank side with an outpouring of our deepest emotions not just on holidays but year-round. I didn't anticipate what a relief that would be in this moment. No regrets. No sadness about our past, just love. Deep, raw, mother-daughter "me and you against the world" kind of bond that will not end now but co
Post a Comment
Read more

One Year Without You

I've been trying to write this for 2 months anticipating or rather dreading this day September 26th, 2018. Marking one entire year without my mom. How is that possible? Months ago, I thought I'd have pushed through to the 'other side' by now. Finding this quote has given me more courage to endure grief. I don't have high expectations of what it will look like each day but I do know this. I retain those deep, raw maternal sentiments she gushed onto me with her loving eyes, her gentle arms and her supportive words within the woven fabric of my soul. What if those pieces unravel? Who will be there to mend them? To sew a new patch? I have to do that. On my own. I will have to care for myself in the ways she taught me. For this reason I dug deeper than ever before into my purpose as a mother and wife. It's beyond fulfilling and I am finally reaping what I have worked so hard to achieve. A loving, wholesome family built on values, respect, and over-the-top "cel
Post a Comment
Read more