Then to offset the high energy, moments like this take my breath away! He can be still. Content reading a book. Or snuggled up watching a movie with the family under our King size blanket that will surely not fit us all the bigger he gets. These tender moments wash over me with such joy. I close my eyes tightly and keep telling myself not to forget what this feels like. Like squeezing my eyes will take an embossed print of my bursting heart somehow! When he wakes up in the middle of the night, sometimes I choose to lay with him. There is no sleeping involved. He needs to be on me, every inch, connected like puzzle pieces. Sometimes his hand in my hair or on my face, his belly on mine. There are other times where I cannot afford (another) sleepless night but I will say I do not regret the times I've said yes to him needing me in the middle of the night. I whisper to him "I love you" as if I'm blowing dandelions into the breeze making a wish... A wish for him to feel the immense love I have for him in that moment.
And because I'm trying to authentically relate to my boy moms out there (see left). The fits. Yes, they are real. They are loud and full of "no!" and grunts of disapproval. Thrashing, kicking and full of force. Full blown tantrums. Fits. Bouts of naughtiness. Cries for help mostly. Frustration. Testing the limits. Mind you, this is not my first time around I'm less concerned this behavior is indicative of his personality. It does not necessarily mean he will be difficult, bratty or just plain naughty. He is two. Life is hard. He can do so much...until he tries something new. Like putting on his own shoes or trying to stab a slippery peach with his fork. He needs me but doesn't want to need me. If he could quote Christmas movies like the rest of the family, he'd say, "Let's be independent together!" He wants to be with me but also wants to do it all by himself.
I get it. I'm still that way! I'm usually all about being together with people or not really at all (bonus for social distancing!!). Maybe that's why I've never felt sad watching my kids grow up. Maybe it's my fascination of child development. Or just the excitement to get to know my child's personality. I can't wait to get a sneak peek of his idiosyncrasies. And I know he'll have plenty of quirky traits from what I know from Allison. I know this for a fact though. Both of my kids will have larger than life personalities but their hearts will be just as big. When you love hard, you tend to feel hard. I know this because I live wholeheartedly by putting my heart on the line. Often. Even when I'm not sure it will be well received. Sometimes I am brave and sometimes I'm too protective but I want my kids to see me vulnerable. It's worth showing up to be seen, to be valued for who are you instead of just fitting in (My Brene Brown fans are nodding their heads right now!). Lord knows I'm not cookie cutter mama! There's a lot of emotion to regulate but it's worth it. I don't want to deprive my kids, especially my boy of feeling and expressing a spectrum of emotions. However, I can imagine this being difficult to promote the older he gets. I'll likely need to get off my soapbox but let me hope for a minute here...
Here comes the label 'mama's boy.' Think about the difference between "daddy's girl" and "mama's boy." Think about the connotations. Nothing negative crosses my mind when I think of someone telling me their daughter is a 'daddy's girl.' It's quite the endearing phrase actually. But when you hear 'mama's boy' it tends to bring a cringe worthy image of a grown man living in his parents' basement while the mother does his laundry makes him a sandwich. Let me be real. There is a level of enabling that I think is crippling. I do, however, see why mothers tend to do these things for their sons as it becomes harder to connect with them. Right now, I do not have to be deliberate about connecting with him and for that I'm grateful. The love feels so wholesome and authentic. Like we love each other at face value. Not because we have things in common.
I'd love for the connotation of a 'mama's boy' to mean this:
That a young boy forged a beautiful relationship with his mother when he was little. He felt cared for and in turn protected her with all he had. He mimics this love and admiration for the first woman in his life with every woman he loves from here on out!
Fact: I am his favorite human and he wants to squeeze me around the neck, suck on my face and just be near me. Have you seen a little boy butt in as a mom and dad embrace and kiss in the kitchen? If not, come over around 6 when John gets home from work! I came to this revelation the other day and announced it to my husband. I said, "I'm kind of a big deal. Everyone that lives here loves me the most! I'm everyone's favorite!!" Damn it feels good to be me.
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