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first day of school... but not for me (insert sniffle)

I couldn't help feel my heart breaking when I scrolled through Facebook posts of newly outfitted kiddos with their sibling and backpacks in hand posing for their first day of school pictures. Why did it bother me so badly that I too wasn't rushing around to leave my little girl and head off to school? Since i started preschool I have had a 'first day of school' until just last year- whether it be as a teacher or student. I was made to go to school forever!
I am struggling with what makes me feel this empty is it just not working or is it specifically not teaching children? I'm worried that I'm not ready to be out of the classroom. I applied for the two positions that posted nearby and no bite so I can't blame myself for not trying to figure out if that's what is best for this kindred spirited crazy teacher lady.
I am grappling with a lot of things and guilt being one... again. Something that literally consumes me.  I should be thrilled that I'm not working because I get to take Allison to her first day of preschool. But I am not. I'm not feeling like that because work isn't just 'work' like other jobs where someone else could take your place and get it 'done.' Although there are substitute teachers, it's because someone has to at least fake it and take your place because someone has to corral, teach, foster, love, and educate the kidlets in your classroom. It's not the same with my daughter. I don't feel fulfilled without the teacher/impact making side working over time...
Its nuts to say because most that know me realize that the stress took its toll on my body and I'm still struggling with the aftermath. Am I glutton for punishment in that way? How unfair is that that I cared so much it hurt my body yet helped the kids?
I want to make a difference either way whether I need to do that in the school buildings or out at conferences or behind a desk making things happen. I want something to keep my mind stimulated and my heart full. I spend most of my mornings with coffee scouring the internet for jobs everyday and sometimes in the evenings.  I am talking about what I am going through to get the word out there, I am having so and so mention my name to see where it goes. I am open minded to new things, yet know that I can't take a job with kids that isn't what I want (or need financially) because it's NOT that easy to leave when the 'right one comes around.'
So I'm stuck. I surprised myself this morning, shedding tears like other mommies around me were because they were sending their children off to school and there I am wallowing in self-pity because I have no new school clothes, no first day jitters, and no direction, and worry that the number of kids recognizing me in Meijer and hugging Mrs. Parkes is dwindling....


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