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Little Boy Blue




Baking you cookies to coax you to come out!
Sweet son of mine, you are already exhausting my patience. Sometimes the excitement of meeting you and the discomfort of the pregnancy together make it hard to wait. I know it will be worth it, but I'm so anxious. I tear up just thinking about the first time your big sister sees and holds you for the first time. Allison cannot stop talking about how she is looking forward to snuggling a baby everyday. She wants to be a part of everything. Not only will it be different to have you join our family but she is taking on a new and different role as an older sibling and I think you'll be quite enamored with her. She's very special and we know the two of you will be lifelong friends. Your father and I changed our minds in having another by going through things over the past years where we leaned on our own siblings. We came to a point where we could no longer justify not 'giving' Allison a sibling for life's journeys. What you both can offer each other is different than a parent's love. Something your dad and I cherish about our sisters. The age difference will not dictate your closeness, your loyalty will. I cannot wait to watch you lift each other up, be each other's person to rely on growing up.
Your father is my person. He is my everything. My hope is that you are your own person and a spin off of your Dad. He is going to be everything to you too. From wanting to wear a hat like he does, thrash on cars like him, and have such love in your eyes for your mom and sister like he does for me and Allison. He is sentimental and kind but tough when he has to be. He does a great balancing act while taking his duty as a father and husband seriously. He's the ultimate role model which is why I felt so blessed to find out we were having a boy. I immediately thought oh a Little John... this is so perfect!
See, we never felt anything was missing without you but now know we'll feel whole when you're here. Your father and I didn't know we had the capacity to love anymore than we already did. Our home, you will soon find out, is full of tender moments, belly laughter and traditions. We have created a beautiful place to grow up and we hope you feel the same. The part about the amount of time between your sister being born and you is that we became very confident of our decision to have another child. The hardest part about expecting was knowing you would not meet your CaliGram, my mom, my biggest fan. She was so very excited to find out when your sister asked her to buy you your own Woody doll from Toy Story so she didn't have the share the one CaliGram got her years prior. Your CaliGram was obsessed with those movies so we dressed up in cowboy attired and announced we were expecting you last summer.


She wanted to meet you so badly. I wish I could have captured the look on her face every time she'd reach out and touch my belly. Your CaliGram loved you as much as she could have never having met you. By our next visit, she was already very sick. While in her hospital bed in this same room as the video, she fell asleep with headphones in her ears from the heartbeat monitor I had attached to my belly. You were connected then and will always be. You will know her through me. She made me the mom I am today. I found letters from my mom this week while going through old pictures. I came across this Mother's Day card and it was just what I needed to "hear." Quite impeccable timing actually.... By reading this, I can feel how proud she was and is of my brand of motherhood.


That makes me feel like I can carry on and raise you with her wisdom and kindness without her here on Earth. This summer we are going to get a swing down by the lake in her memory as I  shared with her before she died. She asked me to sit and swing on it with the grandson she'd never meet. An easy promise to keep. I look forward to doing that with you soon so we can feel her with us. No doubt, just beaming that we are following through with one of her deepest wishes.
We are so ready for you baby boy. 



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