March 19th-
We had a great weekend together with friends and family celebrating and doing what we love most DANCING and listening to live music, parade going, drinking, eating and doing new things in new places...NOVELTY!!!
I am absolutely so head over heels for my little girl it has taken me by surprise and I'm not sure I'm near tough enough to protect myself from being vulnerable to these emotions. I was always so good at "checking my baggage at the door" especially when teaching. I could code switch, be anyone I wanted to in any situation, and even in relationships I prided myself on always having the upper hand... knowing I could just press the emergency eject button and never look back. And I did just that in the past. Three year long relationship ended with a phone conversation and minimal tears... talk about a cold hearted b!
Marriage and parenthood is WAY different. I have succumbed to the wholesome belief I still hold dear of committing myself to my partner and working together to raise our little girl the best we can- even when it's hard- even when I feel defeated- even when my independence feels stifled. I realize that I have functioned differently my whole life, not sure if it was being an only child for nine years or just being innately given a fierce passion of doing things alone whether mundane or important. I need alone time and I don't mean an hour or two but I revel in the quiet down time of longer drives (which doesn't happen much in this weather) or an unplanned day with unlimited possibilities, or even a surprise evening without my family. I also crave intellectual stimulation that I don't quite have an outlet for other than my Master's Blackboard forum... what will I do when I graduate!?
I refuse to feel guilty for any of these feelings. That guilt that I have almost entirely kicked to the curb had consumed me... and I mean CONSUMED me for the first couple years of motherhood. I questioned and doubted EVERYTHING I did and I just have to give myself more confidence. I am a good mom I'm not a 'super mom' but what I am is fairly good at things I care about. I'm not a put all my eggs in one basket kind of girl and never have been. I never stuck to one sport or was inclined toward one hobby. So I suppose it makes sense why as I feel like I'm a good mom, a well-rounded mom I should say and to be honest... that's not all I am nor is it all I have to offer this world.
March 25th-
I am relishing in the love I feel for everyone close to me. I think the clarity comes from the boost of fitness and health I have embraced for the past two months. Not only am I almost bikini ready (haven't looked forward to summer like this in about 10 years) but the of raw fruits and vegetables have really boosted my overall health and outlook on life. I will not resent my family life and blame Allison or John for not being fit. That is absurd and not fair. This mantra comes from the fitness group I belong to called No Excuse Moms. It has changed my life and held me accountable!
Slowly but surely I have been able to wean myself off of medications and am looking forward to doing this naturally. I also have been able to focus on what is important and it's family. All of my family is important and it seems like lately we are defining us as "Three Musketeer family!" I successfully answered the question of "are you having more babies?'" for the first time ever the other night! That is a big win for me seeing as I dreaded it for so long. Apparently it was well received and for that I am grateful (I could give a shout out to my therapist here!). What was the magical response you ask??? Here it is. Simple. Plain. Honesty. "This is what works for us." It does! ;) That is actually a piece of advice from my friend Angie. She wrote DO what works for your family on the baby shower advice card and man she was right! And she has 5 kids! That's so cool that it works for HER family and there's nothing more to it than that!!
PEACE OUT
We had a great weekend together with friends and family celebrating and doing what we love most DANCING and listening to live music, parade going, drinking, eating and doing new things in new places...NOVELTY!!!
I am absolutely so head over heels for my little girl it has taken me by surprise and I'm not sure I'm near tough enough to protect myself from being vulnerable to these emotions. I was always so good at "checking my baggage at the door" especially when teaching. I could code switch, be anyone I wanted to in any situation, and even in relationships I prided myself on always having the upper hand... knowing I could just press the emergency eject button and never look back. And I did just that in the past. Three year long relationship ended with a phone conversation and minimal tears... talk about a cold hearted b!
Marriage and parenthood is WAY different. I have succumbed to the wholesome belief I still hold dear of committing myself to my partner and working together to raise our little girl the best we can- even when it's hard- even when I feel defeated- even when my independence feels stifled. I realize that I have functioned differently my whole life, not sure if it was being an only child for nine years or just being innately given a fierce passion of doing things alone whether mundane or important. I need alone time and I don't mean an hour or two but I revel in the quiet down time of longer drives (which doesn't happen much in this weather) or an unplanned day with unlimited possibilities, or even a surprise evening without my family. I also crave intellectual stimulation that I don't quite have an outlet for other than my Master's Blackboard forum... what will I do when I graduate!?
I refuse to feel guilty for any of these feelings. That guilt that I have almost entirely kicked to the curb had consumed me... and I mean CONSUMED me for the first couple years of motherhood. I questioned and doubted EVERYTHING I did and I just have to give myself more confidence. I am a good mom I'm not a 'super mom' but what I am is fairly good at things I care about. I'm not a put all my eggs in one basket kind of girl and never have been. I never stuck to one sport or was inclined toward one hobby. So I suppose it makes sense why as I feel like I'm a good mom, a well-rounded mom I should say and to be honest... that's not all I am nor is it all I have to offer this world.
March 25th-
I am relishing in the love I feel for everyone close to me. I think the clarity comes from the boost of fitness and health I have embraced for the past two months. Not only am I almost bikini ready (haven't looked forward to summer like this in about 10 years) but the of raw fruits and vegetables have really boosted my overall health and outlook on life. I will not resent my family life and blame Allison or John for not being fit. That is absurd and not fair. This mantra comes from the fitness group I belong to called No Excuse Moms. It has changed my life and held me accountable!
Slowly but surely I have been able to wean myself off of medications and am looking forward to doing this naturally. I also have been able to focus on what is important and it's family. All of my family is important and it seems like lately we are defining us as "Three Musketeer family!" I successfully answered the question of "are you having more babies?'" for the first time ever the other night! That is a big win for me seeing as I dreaded it for so long. Apparently it was well received and for that I am grateful (I could give a shout out to my therapist here!). What was the magical response you ask??? Here it is. Simple. Plain. Honesty. "This is what works for us." It does! ;) That is actually a piece of advice from my friend Angie. She wrote DO what works for your family on the baby shower advice card and man she was right! And she has 5 kids! That's so cool that it works for HER family and there's nothing more to it than that!!
PEACE OUT
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