Parkes Family

"I love you" were three words I heard often growing up, into my adulthood. Every night closed with them and an affectionate squeeze and kiss on the cheek. Every phone call ended with those three words. All cards from my mom were signed that way with the signature mark 'xx' or 'kiss kiss.' My mom would often draw a silly happy face with a circle for a nose and sometimes rainbows for eyes... you know like the beaming emoji that has closed eyes and rosy cheeks? That one always makes me think of my mom. So much does. Today is Valentine's Day. A day to express love. This comes easy to me. I was shown love and affection in so many ways in my family. We snuggled on the couch watching movies, we embraced often and were open about the mushy gushy stuff. That's why when mom asked me toward the end of her life if there was anything I wanted to say that I hadn't or needed to, I took a short pause and replied, "No. I know I've told you how much you ...

Amidst all the junk I've been decluttering, I found a gem! I found a torn out three hole punched lined paper with some good feels I wanted to share with you, Mom. I don't know if you ever saw this but I hope you felt in my actions, my words and in the way I looked at you. Where I Am From I come from a family that cares where humor is abundant and trying your best is expected Where I'm known as Kiki, Dots, The Best of the Best, Angel and Special K I come from a home that permeates warmth and success where inner beauty is valued and strength is important * I come from a line of fighters where survivors like my mother are cherished and celebrated where feelings are expressed with ease I come from times when I took care of Brianna and Cassie like they were my now where I felt tears of joy and sisterly love beyond words I come from a family where I am the eldest and I paved the path for which my sisters may follow where I tried to be a role model and also...

This is where I'm at in life. In my grief. In this stage of motherhood. Grace. Looking for it in the world and especially looking for how I can lead a life full of grace given my circumstances. I am not the only person whose lost a mother too soon. Within two years I have befriended four women who just went through the same thing just in my town alone. I don't even want to do the math of how many others out there right now are hurting from the same loss. I am not alone. I am also not the only woman trying redefine herself as a mother. As a person. Trying to figure out what matters to me and how I am going to use my experiences of loss to make me and my family better. Silver lining. I was a pro at this before my mom died. I am getting back to it. I think it's what people like best about me. My ability to add levity to any situation. It's what I like best about myself. I'm feeling more like me lately. I'm in a good place and I'm not feeling guilty that I am ...