Hurts Like a Mother

June 17th, 2018

A book from Tezra from a mother who is giving

her daughter advice about what to do when 

she's gone. It's touching and hits so deep I can

only read a few pages at a time. Allison wanted

to know the book and then asked, "Mom could 

you pass it down to me when you die?" (insert

sobbing mom eyes here). "Yes, of course." 

I'm still hurting. I still catching myself calling my mom on the phone. I'm still in disbelief she doesn't know my son. I am still grieving and I didn't know that until recently. Two nights ago, I was home with the kids alone and Allison went downstairs to bed. She came back up soon and said her stomach didn't feel right. I asked her all the typical mom questions. Are you hungry? Do you need to poop? Are you nervous? None of those. I asked if she wanted to cuddle on the couch (although I had been dreaming about my head hitting the pillow) and she said yes.

My big 8 year old, 4'2 long and 73 pounds of her wrapped around me on the couch under our favorite blankets. She began sobbing while I stroked her hair. "I just don't understand, Mom. How we start summer break without visiting CaliGram's?" We both sobbed. We cried without talking for a while. I fell asleep and woke back up to her still crying. I told her it's ok not to feel ok about this change. I told her that I'd be feeling lost without my mom and that I missed her very much. We cried ourselves to sleep. We woke up to John joining the snuggle session on the couch
when he got home.

She would have loved this picture! When John's dad comes to

work on the deck he leaves the door open for Bruno. The first

day I took a double take walking to my car. He does this

everyday. Why is that so funny!? I hope you're laughing at this

too, Mom. I know how much you loved our Bruno Bear.

The next morning was our first Mommy and Me day since the baby was born. It was nothing short of incredible. We had so much fun. She was sweet, polite, fun and patient when we had to go to the car and pump in the mall parking lot! My heart felt like it was going to burst. This is how much my mom loved me too. I hate that she had to leave that love behind in this world. I imagined what that felt like and it's heart wrenching because I don't want to ever not be there to be my kids' biggest fans. To be the one they call first with good and bad news. In this day and age where we take pictures of stupid shit there's so many times that I think the ONLY person in the world I would even send that to would be my mom. So I take the picture anyway hoping that it gets to her somehow (see right).

As I'm writing this, I have baseball on tv in the background like my mom always used to do. We weren't always watching it but it had to be on. I'm also drinking out of a wine glass she loved. I'm wearing pants that I was wearing when we had our last 'real' conversation. She said I loved those pants. Are they pajamas or do you wear them out? Before I said I wear them out she said I should wear them out. So we're square there. I'm also looking through a box of cards I picked out from her house full of no doubt cards that were meant to be written in by her and sent to me and my sisters. In this card box there's a little book in here that's called "the right words for any occasion." It's nuts to me she thought she needed this. None of these phrases from that book are in the letters/cards I hold so close to my heart. I wish she had felt more confident in her choice of words. They always meant so much because they were just right and just what I needed to hear.

 I was looking for a card she possibly set aside for John for this Father's Day. She loved him. She loved how he loved me and Allison. I think she'd lose her mind if she saw how he looks at his son. And the way John boy looks back at his dad. I put pressure on myself to do, to write, to be what she was to all people who miss her so. I know I do that without trying but it pains me to know how much everyone is missing her in their lives. I feel sad for my little family for how she hasn't be here recently to love on this little boy she named. I remember right where I was when she put her hand on my belly and said "John William" My heart breaks for my sister to go through wedding planning without her and I'm beside myself that she doesn't get to feel vicarious satisfaction of my other sister landing her dream job. I was about to type "where are you, Mom?" but she's in all of this. 

She's the reason I have the loving family I do. Not just because I embrace her family first attitude but because she supported me in this life. It wasn't easy for her to let me go but she always wanted a country life. A life where it was ok to slow down, to focus on family to be surrounded by God's country. I may not have chickens (yet) but I have all of that. She is behind my sister getting married to a man who loves her genuinely and deeply. She's the reason behind both of my sisters having the confidence to pursue their dream careers. But with all of that said, she's still not here and because of that sometimes I feel like I'm not quite all here either.

If you have read up until this point, thank you. I'm guessing most of  you read my blog because you care about me and are genuinely interested in how I'm doing. Don't ever be afraid to ask me about my mom, share a story, or find out how I'm coping. She is always on my mind no matter what is going on. You can't ruin my day by bringing her up. Quite the opposite. I love being presented the opportunity to talk about her. I have learned that it's important to know this about people who are grieving. Not all people want to share but the ones who do usually will let you know and please, at all costs, don't hold back because you're afraid of having an awkward moment. In my experience, someone who is grieving doesn't worry about having an awkward conversation involving who they lost, they worry that person will be forgotten. After all, oral storytelling is how people used to pass down stories from generation to generation. I plan to keep my mom's legacy alive by doing just that.