I have been writing this post for the past month. I haven't been able to finish because of time or clarity or well... having a new baby...
I never expected to feel so fulfilled, loved and in love all at one time with the arrival of our sweet boy. My home is bursting at the seams with love. Unconditional love from my husband and a whole new big sister kind of love from my daughter. The arrival of our little John boy has changed us forever, in a way we didn't know we all needed. How could something make you feel complete without ever having felt like something was missing?
Yes, we are tired. I am getting over the flu. My house is not clean and our meals are more like a smorgasbord, but I am ok with it. I'm ok with it now because last time around I had higher expectations of myself which led to guilt and unhappiness. I am consciously trying to cut myself some slack even compliment myself even when I can hardly think of something worthy of complimenting! (Wow, you showered today. Way to go Kristin!)
I am in complete of awe of how Allison has grown into a mature big sister, like she's had younger siblings this whole time. I don't understand it but something about it resonates so deeply with me when my sisters were born. I was no longer the only child. I didn't miss it. It felt fulfilling to help my mom, to love another beyond comprehension and just be known as the 'big sister.' Allison too feels like this. How she helps me and how she does everything she can with little John is more than I could have wished for! Her beautiful soul is beaming brighter than before and giving me a sneak peek of her as the woman I hope she will be. If she sees me struggling when the baby starts to cry, she'll say, "I got this, Mom!" and run to soothe him. She changes diapers, walks him around when he's crabby and even helps with baby laundry!
Becoming a mother again has made me miss my mom so much. I keep asking myself, "where are you mom?" I think I separated that sick person I was taking care of and my actual mom. I reflect back as if that wasn't her. That wasn't my mom; that was somebody else. But it was her and she's gone from this world. She's not at the other end of the line waiting for my incessant slew of pictures of my baby boy. She's not celebrating Cassie getting married by sending her trinkets, cards and posting wedding memes on facebook. She's not calling Bri this week about her new job and big move with words of encouragement. She's not here and while she may be looking over us, I don't need that right now. I need her here in the flesh. I want to hear her laughter. I want to feel her unconditional love and support. Most of all lately, I want to see the twinkling in her eyes for my son, her grandson.
I spend my days holding onto my baby boy in disbelief my mom does not know him. I think she'd be over the moon about this little guy. She'd be asking me to text more pictures, planning another trip out to see him this summer and sending me baby stuff whenever she saw something he just had to have. She'd be there telling me what I'm doing is right for my family. She'd support my parenting decisions and also retell her experiences as a mother. She had always complimented me on how warm and loving my home felt to her when she visited. I can't imagine what she'd think if she was here now. It's that now plus more. So much more.
As everyone who knows me knows I love holidays. Not just the big ones but every opportunity to decorate, celebrate, toast a glass and get together with people I love. This weekend will be my first Mother's Day without her and I am dreading it beyond measure. What I am supposed to do that day? Yes, I can feel loved and celebrated myself knowing my maternal qualities mostly come from her. Yes, I can reflect on how amazing she was and how her love was the fuel of my life that put the sparkle in my eye. But you know what I can't do? I can't buy her a gift, write her a card, call her, be with her or hear her voice. That's just not right.
There is a connection I feel to my son and my mom and it has a circle of life feel to it. I lost my mom but gained a son within six months. That moment on September 26th, 2017 at 11:59 p.m. I breathed in her last breath and therefore John boy did too in a way. The sweet smell of her last breath filled me with a peaceful feeling that cannot be described. It was serene, calming and almost soothing. Not what I expected to feel. It could have been the part of her life that is now living on inside us all, even my newborn son. There were so many emotions in that one moment, but among sadness there was also relief. A relief that stemmed from loving someone so much that you would sacrifice your own wants of having them around to just be out of pain once and for all. I did not want her to go but told her earlier that day, "you don't have to fight this anymore, Mom. It's time to go. We can't do this any longer. It's ok to let go." And she did.
I was just given the book Healing After Loss and found a quote that helps describes my sentiments:
"Because a life is over doesn't mean that life won't continue to enrich
and bless the living."
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