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| 34 weeks and counting... |
The nesting phase has officially begun...
Christmas decor put away- check!
House cleaned and floors mopped- check!
Closet organized-check!
Baby clothes washed and sorted- Check!
Call mom to alleviate fears of natural delivery- No check...
My mom had a cesarian with me and then successfully had a natural delivery with Brianna 9 years later. I am almost in the same boat now. There's so much I want to know about her experience. I want to know everything. I am trying to conquer my fear of labor by reading books and diving into research. While that is serving its purpose in making me feel like I'm making an educated, "this is what's right for me," decision, I still want to hear my mom's 2 cents. I think she would support me but also honestly tell me the cons along with pros so I felt prepared. She didn't sugar coat anything for me because she knew I needed facts. I know that in order for me not to worry about something, I have to educate myself. Most of you know, once she was diagnosed with lung cancer I started reading scholarly journals and could sound quite clinical at times. It was the only thing I could do to stave off the worry of the unknown.While my mom suffered a lot of physical ailments and odd presentations of symptoms throughout her life; she was strong. She always overcame those obstacles, often times leaving doctor offices without answers. I, too, am familiar with this feeling. I have never considered her weak and I don't think that way of myself. Although my husband will say I'm fragile like a flower, I think he's just being protective. Pursuing a trial of labor with high hopes, I have to embrace the maternal vessel I live in and own my decision and value my birthing rights. I can conquer my fear of labor and delivery knowing if my mom could do it, I can too.
Toward the end of 2017, I kept saying, "next year has to be a better year." What I didn't realize then was this is the beginning of an entire year which she will not be around for. She will miss everything this year from the birth of my son, to Allison's birthday and everything thereafter. How can that be better? I suppose the way it's better is that if she were here she'd be sick, emotional, and hopeless. It's hard to say she's in a better place. When we say that are we saying it's better for us because we won't have to worry about that person? I don't know enough about where she is to say it's better. I hope it is and I'm sticking to that notion because I need to feel that she is no longer suffering and truly at peace.
I'm not afraid to say that I've had my religious doubts but I'll be the first one to say my spirituality became something I could count on when I began to feel helpless at the beginning of her diagnosis. My mom went back to her Catholic roots over the past couple of years. There was a time when I questioned people who were sick or imprisoned who suddenly became religious. I get it now. When you feel like there is no where to turn and no one to fix it all, you're willing to give anything a try. If becoming religious helps you get through tough times and is also there for the good, I don't see anything wrong in that. It's like how family is supposed to be- there for you no matter what providing an unconditional love is powerful and uplifting. God's love can feel like that too with an even stronger presence. I hope she felt that way toward the end, because I think only a higher being could have given her peace at the time of so much suffering.
I will be experiencing the ultimate demonstration of the circle of life very soon. Losing one and gaining another. It happens all the time. Just a fact of life. The day my mom died and the day I deliver my son will be momentous events in my life, however many others did and will continue on with their everyday lives. I will never forget the day I walked into my mom's house on this last visit to see her in a hospital bed in the living room. She began to wail when she first saw me. A sound I had never heard from her before. I immediately went to her bedside. She began stroking my face and touching my hair. She kept repeating "you're here." Once I sat back and she noticed my expectant belly, she began rubbing it as we cried in unison. That moment marks the most intense sadness I have ever experienced. I hope not to go through anything that competes with that again.
During that week of caregiving, she often held my belly and made a pouty lower puckered lip face and apologized. I tried to imagine the hopelessness she felt. I did not pacify her and tell her, "it's ok" because it was not alright that she had to leave the loves of her life behind. She was a full-time mother in heart and mind since June 2nd, 1981. That is what she lived for and it brought her the full spectrum of emotions because she was so deeply invested in our lives. Despite her lack of coherence for most of the time, she did have some lucid moments. It was then, we had lively conversations about themes for the nursery and poses for baby photo sessions. During those times, she referenced baby boy by one of the name choices we shared with her which always brought a smile to my face.
The day we thought she would undergo full sedation, she wanted to say formal goodbyes in which she asked us all, "will you remember me?" Without hesitation, I responded "every time I look in the mirror." There is so much truth to that. Not only do I carry on her characteristics physically but I also embody her values. As I embark on this new stage of my life bringing a baby boy into this world, I will look inward for her spirit. I hope it shines outwardly too for her to see now. I think that would be the most appropriate way to reassure her that I will always remember her. I will never let her legacy fade and continue to glow in her likeness. We often think of a diamond mostly for it's sparkle but it can represent so much more if you think about it this way: Diamonds have the greatest hardness of any natural material. However, they can have inclusions and incipient cleaves that might have unfortunate reactions to heat or mechanical cleaning.
I wear a diamond ring now of my mother's and having read this, I have added deeper meaning to the ring. While she always had a twinkle in her eye, she could be tough but incredibly sensitive too. My mom is my diamond. Diamonds are forever.
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