I wanted to have a safe place where I collect all of what I have written about him and to him here on this blog for fear I may lose my treasured folder of pictures, scraps, scribbled papers, etc.
Here is the letter I wrote Jeff while he was in jail on June 18th, 2008, less than two months before he would pass.
Dear Jeff,
Where to start... I love you. No matter what. I am trying, but cannot fully imagine what you are going through right now. From what I know- you think that the length of time you're there will help. You know what you need and I hope it works. HOPE. I have lots of that for you and always have. You do know you're the closest thing I have to a brother, right?
The body of the letter is more small talk where I share with him about John and shopping for wedding rings, teaching Kindergarten, and reassuri
ng him that while I moved to Michigan I didn't trade in our Angels for the Tigers.
The last paragraph is this:
Anyway, Ik now that you are really trying to make the best of things. My mom tells me that I know if in my heart. Everybody fucks up. You are young enough to rise above and it and claim your life back. In no way do I think it'll be easy, but as I know anything worthwhile isn't easy. You can do it, Jeff. I believe you can.
I love you and how big your heart is
Love, Kristin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the eulogy sort of speech I wrote for your beautiful memorial that day at the beach where your dad, friends and family spread your ashes in the ocean at Huntington Beach.
The closeness we all feel for Jeff is immeasurable. How much he will be missed cannot be calculated by the number of teardrops shed because to measure something it has to be tangible. What I will miss about his charm, his love and intuitiveness about animals and people like, his love for the ocean, his goofy laugh and his hugs.... those things were not in the shoeboxes on shelves in his room... I looked.
What I found was a deep place in my heart for Jeff that been there since the beginning of our lives together. Our moms were pregnant at the same time so we met before we were born... we grew up side by side, exactly three months apart. He always laughed so eagerly whenever I was around him... and for me, I love knowing he was happy during those moments. This past Christmas, Jeff gave me his 1981 baby carriage ornament because mine had been stolen. He had two and wanted me to have that nostalgic feeling it brought us each year.
His thoughtfulness was beyond measure. The closeness you have Jeff, I cannot compare, for we are all close to him because he was so in tuned to our emotions and what we needed to feel. Although we may know him differently, what unites us is our love for Jeff. We are all so fortunate to have had such a kind-hearted person touch our lives. Our lives are forever changed because we will always long for the way he made us all feel special. Thinking about his contagious smile has added levity during this time of grief; his laugh will be forever engraved upon our hearts. Please hold tight to your memories of him; they are being imprinted on our souls as we lean on each other today and always. We need to be strong for Jeff, for Denise, and for Gary. I believe that:
"Strength does not reside in never having been broken but in the courage to grow in the broken place."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is no date on this letter I found but I after reading, it could have been yesterday or the day after I found out.
Oh Jeff-
So fortunate to have your laugh forever engraved upon my heart.
Memories of your contagious smile do magic during this time of grief.
Old pictures of us growing up together bring me joy.
How bout posing sun kissed cheeks and all in that green turtle pool like brother and sister?
I love the one of us at age four kissing next to Grandma and Grandpa's airplane, precious.Remember you and I made up stories about being ping pong champions in Ensenada?
One of my favorites was when we dashed out in a blizzard in Utah to go in the hot tub!
There was always this certain jolliness a bout you, especially on Christmas Eve... something I always looked forward to. No matter how many people were in the house: I always listened for your voice because I knew you'd make the holiday feel complete.
Maybe it was how your long ole arms would just find their way around my shoulders or how you
said, "hey cuz when we passed our presents together.
Could it be how you called me "Kris" and by anyone else I would have despised that nickname? Perhaps it was that good-hearted feel I got when you were nearby.
You had such a big heart... too big for one person to bear...
If you're wondering why you're not here with us it's because your heart broke. Your heart was so big and took on so much caring for animals, your family and friends. You were always trying to be a better person and you felt so much pain. Just when you thought you could make it right, God said, "enough."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this letter I wrote to him the first Christmas he was gone:
For some reason this
morning I went to my Christmas trunk to find the ornament you gave me last
Christmas. I thought I’d have to search for a while but when I saw the box
sitting right on top tears fell rain down my cheeks. This is the first time I have
cried for a while. Holding that box brought such a rush of emotions. I see you
everyday in the picture of us at Easter when we were four years old, ravaging our goody
bags up; it’s posted up on my sunroof in my car. I look to the sky and you are
there. I know you are there in spirit, but I need to actually see you even if
it’s just a photo. I never cherished pictures so much in my life. During my
initial grieving, I had a love/hate relationship with photos of you. Some days
they did wonders bringing you back to me and other days it made me mad that
past memories would be all we would have of you. This ornament I’m holding is
something that I cherish and will treasure forever. I’m nervous yet excited for
Christmastime. I can’t wait to put it on our tree and have a piece of you as
the most important decoration of the season- who said the star or angel had to
be the focal point!? Not anymore. I can’t wait to see our puppy Bruno under
that tree with your ornament. John and I got Bruno when we got back from
California after your memorial. He is our Jeff inspiration addition to our
family and we love him so. Your mom has sent us books to be good parents! I
look at him sometimes and tell him “You know, Jeff would love you and think you
were great. He’s going to love you even more when you get big and protect me
when John is out of town.” I know that you feel comfort in that. Knowing that I
have John to take care of me and also a loyal animal to protect me and comfort
me. You were so brotherly to me in very few words but many actions. See words
are lost in translation and action speak volumes and that’s why you will never
be forgotten. Because people will never forget the way you made them feel...
I’m sure that concept resonates with everyone who loved you. Making someone feel
special the way you did is proof of your genuine soul. I love you so much and
have changed a lot since you left. I appreciate things around me and am more
tolerant of everything. Being out here in the country makes me feel close to
you. When I drive to school I see cows, goats, turkeys, deer, rolling hills,
barns and fall leaves. These things are part of God’s country. They aren’t
things that were put here for people. It’s like when you drive around the city
and all you see are shops, buildings, etc. That was all built for us. When you
drive around the countryside it’s so grounding. It’s like these things were
here before me and aren’t here to serve me. Last week 6 deer were alongside the
road on my way to work and they ran by the road next me- bouncing up and down
with their little white tails. It made my day. You probably felt this closeness
to the earth when you were at the beach... sand in your toes, board in the
water... That’s how I feel close to you now. I have such closeness with nature
that I’ve never had before. That’s because of you and it’s something that will
never die... just like your spirit will never die.
I love you cuz,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comments