Skip to main content

Not sure I have even come down from the Christmas high...

Is there anything better than holiday celebrations with family, friends, traveling to wine and dine with those so close to us!? I am so blessed to have done this for nearly three weeks in a row! Allison is spoiled rotten now because she has probably been to 10 homes with Christmas trees and asked, like all three year olds would, "Is there a present under there for me?" Only to be answered with a delightful, "yes." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? ok. ok... she's not the only one being spoiled around here!

I can't help but think that each Christmas season beats the next- there's no other reason for that except people because the holiday itself doesn't change only locations (Michigan-California) but it's changing because bonds are deepening and relationships are growing...

I have experienced some hardships in the past few years- starting with giving birth to Allison. I struggled with severe postpartum depression resulting to constant feelings of guilt that I wasn't the mom I was "supposed to be." I read books like Tiger Mom, the Mask of Motherhood,  I Was a good Mom Before I Became a Mom and such...

I started to realize that this feeling of being overwhelmed by pressure to be supermom is fair greater than just a societal issue. I have always considered myself one to be free of doubt in my originality- I've never felt more self-conscious than once I had Allison. NO ONE was making me feel inferior but me...
How awful- I can't blame society or anyone or anything but myself. I somehow painted a picture of who I was going to be as a mom and it turned out merely a facade. I am woman of independence and struggled with having someone so dependent on me that I started to question my credentials in being a mother. This sounds absurd writing it and irrational but it's something I struggled with a lot then and occasionally now.

Through therapy and support from family and friends I have learned to accept my type of mothering which includes but is not limited to: using an ipad or a movie to get things done around the house, exercising with Allison in the room, making healthy meals and sneaking in treats too, working late or taking time to do things that will make me more relaxed once I'm with my daughter, and especially paying close attention to my husband and our marriage. We both literally follow the philosophy of what have you done for your marriage lately? Cheesey? Not even close. There are so many ways to show love and affection for someone from text messages to an extra kiss on the way out the door in the morning to ensure a good start (Start me up!). I am a mother but I am also dedicated wife, a loving daughter, a confidant to my sisters, a superb student, creative teacher, good friend and more... and all of those things is what fulfills my life not just being a mommy and I am ok with that.
That is enough and it has to be enough because that is how I was put together and I do my best everyday. My therapist says, if you always give your best on that particular day, no one can ask any more of you... sometimes that may be at 80% or 100% but knowing that you're giving it all you have at the moment will comfort you when you are lacking in the next.

Signing off....
I'm thinking I might need to get started on writing my book- after I finish this Master's thesis of course! Farewell folks and thanks for walking around in my labyrinth of a brain today!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tribute to my Mom(This was my speech for her service)

My mom loved to celebrate. She celebrated life full of sports, music, our military, and especially her kids. She would always say "Children should be celebrated." The funny thing about quoting her is that she would always she was someone of few words. Her words made an impact and so did her actions. As we reminisced old stories and looking through even older photographs, she is clearly celebrating in them all! I'd love to share some stories and things that I hold fast to during this difficult time. I'm not going to say I lost my mom, because I didn't. I know where she is and I know she is celebrating up there with some long lost loved ones who she's been missing dearly. The day she passed we were recounting the stories of when she was little girl. Having four older brothers played a big role in these stories as you could imagine. One of my favorites was when her brothers told her that she could be Queen for the day if she sat on the throne-shaped ca...
Post a Comment
Read more

No Regrets

The few days before my mom passed, she asked me if there was anything I needed to tell her or share with her as her time was nearing an end. It didn't take me long to say, "No, Mom. I know that you know just how much I love you." We were fortunate to have been in an open, loving relationship where we have always been honest. When I say fortunate I mean I'm happy that we have always been deliberate in expressing our feelings, especially the warm fuzzy ones. I feel gracious to not have to be reconciling or apologizing for long lost grudges or arguments during those last days. That wasn't our style. We wrote cards to each other that took up the entire blank side with an outpouring of our deepest emotions not just on holidays but year-round. I didn't anticipate what a relief that would be in this moment. No regrets. No sadness about our past, just love. Deep, raw, mother-daughter "me and you against the world" kind of bond that will not end now but co...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Papa

Wednesday 1/19 He's gone. My dad is gone. I cannot believe it still. I kept clutching my heart between sobs after finding out yesterday. I contined to do so all day, behind a mask at the airport, trying to get to him. I was too late. Thank God, my stepmom was there with him. I'm glad I did not learn of his passing alone in an airport. Instead I fell to my knees, with my hand over my heart and folded myself up into the fetal position with John's arms wrapped around me. In all my experiences of loss my cousin Jeff, my mom and now this I have always reverted to this position upon tragic news. It's such an instrinsic response. Not allowing your body to be vulnerable and exposed but protected by your own limbs and sometimes those of others. My dad's throat cancer had come back even after the laryngectomy and chemo/rad treatments in November. The absess in his neck led to him losing too much blood. From what I know, he was not in pain. He actually stood up with indign...
Post a Comment
Read more